My Favourite Worst Adelaide Fringe Moments

* Watching an idiot vomiting at 9pm on a Wednesday night outside Hungry Jack’s. He proceeded to stand up, slip over in his own chunder, then spring across Rundle Street traffic, verbally abusing a busker, and yet still managed to catch the 373 bus to Marion. A Hungry Jack’s CLASSIC. *

* Last year’s closure of a dodgy Asian food court at the back of the Central Market. It’s where I go to reminisce about the time in 2007 when I stacked my polystyrene plate at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet so full, that it snapped in half and molten hot beef and black bean plopped onto my foot while I was wearing thongs. The webbing of my little toe half melted and fused with the toe next to it, like a really shit part-Aquaman guy. *

* The time in the Colonel Light Gardens when I was sitting on a park bench, boyishly swinging my legs eating a sandwich. A bit of sandwich dropped off and out of nowhere 6000 pigeons swooped in to fight over it. I was in mid arc of swing with my foot and I accidentally kicked one pigeon in the side of the head where it spasmed and died in front of me and a bunch of toddlers. *

* Overheard in a café on Frome Street from an over compensating bloke threatened by the proximity of ‘queer’ Fringe performers.
Bloke: “Yeah mate, can I have one of those bloody coffees with the froth on top? I dunno what it’s called.”
Waiter: “A cappuccino?”
Bloke: “Yeah, whatever! Also I’ll have the bowl with that hot wet shit with meat in it!”
Waiter: “Soup?”
Bloke: “Yeah shut up!!! I’m not gay!” *

* The 2009–ish Clipsal weekend. Let me set the scene. The Adelaide Arts Festival has also just opened and Soundwave is thumping. The Adelaide Hilton Hotel is completely booked out with high rollers; Kiss, Metallica, Anthrax, Casey Stoner, Paul Kelly, Neil Finn, Nick Cave. At the breakfast buffet, Neil Finn hides a rasher of bacon in Metallica frontman James Hetfield’s vegan omelette and a massive bloody buffet war ensues. *

* When the Christian protesters descended on The Garden of Unearthly Delights a few years back. I thought it was a joke and they were flyering for a show, highly entertaining stuff. I thought it was a great… five stars. *

* My all-time favourite worst Adelaide Fringe moment. The woman who managed to accidentally pierce an entire bamboo satay skewer through her FOOT in The Garden of Unearthly Delights late one night. We gathered and watched her drunken best friend pull it out like the bogan sword in the stone. She held it aloft her head and we all knelt down before her. Total Adelaide Fringe royalty. Long live queen FruChoc. *

adelaidefringe.com.au/fringetix/sam-simmons-radical-women-of-latin-american-art-1960-1985-af2018