Dear Future Jack

Opinion: Jack Tucker wasn't always a bad standup, his nine year old self writes in...

feature (adelaide) | Read in About 3 minutes
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Jack Tucker
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Published 26 Feb 2019

It's me, you, Jack Tucker at a young age. I don't know if you remember writing this but I can't fall asleep and I don't know what else to do. There's so much about the world and our future that I want to know and I figured the best thing to do was write a letter to you. I know only nerds write out their feelings but my body is changing, my mind is racing and I just found out I'm a virgin.

I'm nine years old right now and I'm super horny and buff and confused. I can't imagine what it's like being any stronger, yet here I am, getting bigger and beefier every day. I'm horny and buff and dumb as a rock but I know it gets better when I get older. I wanna be famous so badly. That's all I want. I would die to be famous. Because if I was famous then for sure Jessica would like me. I look at her every day in class and my body becomes warm and my pants hurt really bad.

I didn't make the basketball team because coach says I'm a liability so I started taking acting class downtown. I think I have what it takes to make it. I'm gonna be a star, Jack. You'll see. Don't ruin this one for me – I really need this. If I become super rich and famous then for sure Jessica will let me touch her butt and I can meet my hero: Daryl Strawberry. A lot of people said his career would never be the same after doing all those drugs but who's laughing now. I really wanna touch Jessica's butt.

I'm so sweaty all the time. Does that stop? I hope that stops. Do you have any friends? I don't have any friends. Do you still like hot dogs? Mom won't let me have any but they sound really fun. Was 9/11 real? Felt like a dream.

I'm having a hard time making friends but mom says that's because I'm too mature for my own age. But I don't believe her. Women, amiright? Haha. I hope you laughed at that as much as I did. Anyways, you should invest in Apple stock. I've got a really good feeling about this.

I can't wait to be you and be famous, and funny and strong. I'm gonna make you proud, just you wait and see!

Love of love (no homo),

Little Jackie Tucks.