Being a good person is the same as being a beautiful person. Now, there are some people that are beautiful on the outside and others are beautiful on the inside. But they’re normally really ugly on the outside. Very few people are beautiful on the outside and the inside, and I am one of those rare people. But with great beauty comes great responsibility. That is why I have decided to set up a charity for those less fortunate than myself.
Did you know that only one in five women have access to hair straighteners? Do you know that only one in 10 know the difference between moisturiser and primer? And did you know that some women don’t wear any makeup at all?
But with your help we can change things. I urgently need you to adopt a wannabe babe with my charity Save the Babes, helping ugly girls get one step closer to becoming real babes. By donating just £6 a month, we will bring an end to this epidemic and as a special thank you you will receive this free gift. It’s a doll of me.
Monthly donations begin after a one off contribution of just £500. Terms and conditions apply. Thank you.
Well, I am flattered you’re asking me. There is a certain pressure that comes from being ‘holy’ but I can handle it. Sure others couldn’t. But as the saying goes, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the pulpit.
As a vicar, I have to model the Christian way, be a sort of ‘Jesus 2’ if you like. Everyone loves a sequel! Apart from Grease 2, that was simply hours of my life I will never get back. But yes, I am God’s representative, so it’s important to ‘be merciful,’ Luke 6:36, (there, you see – legit Bible!) even when my assistant minister John keeps cocking up the notice board. At Christmas, Jesus was the Prince of Peas in our parish, not Peace. Unbelievable. You’d have thought he’d learnt his lesson after the Holy Goat debacle. But apparently not.
It’s also important to be ‘kind and compassionate,’ Ephesians 4:32, (oh, there it is again, just dropping scripture like it's hot) even when Joan mistakes my dry cleaning for the clothes to be taken to the charity shop, and so the only shirt I have to wear for the Bishop’s visit is a tartan pajama top. And lastly of course, goodness is being ‘quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,’ James 1:19 (I am on fire!). Even when the youth worker Mikey decides to use seven actual sheep in his Sunday sermon to deliver a more ‘relevant demonstration of Jesus’ parables,’ and decides to store these sheep in my office where they eat all the church records and accounts dating back to 2001 that Mary had neglected to computerise!