Heckle Off - Dan Atkinson and Joe Wilkinson

Dan:
Why are all your jokes about yourself? Is it because you hate your audience?

Joe:
I don't hate audiences in general but here are three I do hate:
Northampton February 3
Portsmouth April 22 (I think)
And some shitty village hall just outside Bristol in April.

Dan:
Why do you talk with that ridiculous voice? You sound like a car-salesman date-rapist.

Joe:
I am aware I have a very nasal voice. I had a small operation on my nose when I was about eight and ever since then I have sounded like I talk through a tube.

Dan:
The way you hold a microphone looks like a pensioner holding a dog up by its hind leg.

Joe:
Old habits die hard.

Dan:
The way you walk around is pathetic. Your walk is pathetic. Everything about you from the thigh down is pathetic. You have awful legs.

Joe:
I do have awful legs. They are like white twiglets.

Dan:
Your mobile phone has only got three megapixels on its camera. Take that!

Joe:
I can't get the Bluetooth thing to work on my phone and it really annoys me even though I don't know what you'd use Bluetooth for.

Dan:
You have a terrible drinking problem. I think you should drink less than four bottles of whisky a day. You're an alcoholic, and you know it. Is that too tragic for a heckling battle?

Joe:
If you read Mike Belgraves' blog you'd know that wasn't true.

Dan:
Your singing voice is beautiful. A shame you only sing to dead animals, hedges and Nicholas Parsons.

Joe:
www.nicholasparsons.co.uk/meinthenip

Dan:
That T-shirt looks like it's been removed from a tramp, put on another dead tramp who's been dragged through some shit then covered in nails and glue and hair. It really suits you.

Joe:
If you are referring to my T-shirt from the Millennium Dome, it was a gift.

Dan:
Your social demographic is unacceptable.

Joe:
You're just picking on me because I'm an old Chinese woman.

Dan:
You've got the face of a divorced Dad.

Joe:
That's because I am haunted by that Northampton gig and it shows in my face.