Songs About Vaginas

Songs about vaginas? It must be some kind of witty word play, surely? I don’t know, something along the lines of… No, I can’t quite think of any witty word plays around that one.

In fact there is absolutely nothing witty about songs that concern vaginas. The diametric opposite is true: an hour filled with songs about vaginas (and anal sex) is intrinsically boring; the concept is boring and the realisation is worse.

Beginning with a short video of the song, "My Pussy is Magic," Jessica Delfino shows that she is much better at using computers to come up with some nifty graphics than she is at writing lyrics. As we progress through to, "If my vagina could talk" – illustrated by a gruff talking vagina, live on stage – the experience starts to sink further.

The room, filled with the odour of cheap aftershave, is sickening. A few lads hit each other while laughing behind their hands and a posse of schoolgirls giggle at the fact that they managed to charm their way past the bouncers.

Drawing constant attention to her elegantly entitled "camel toe," Delfino is repulsive. As she starts to talk at length of the comparisons that can be made between facial acne and vaginal herpes, it’s hard to imagine anywhere else you’d less like to be. In her magnum opus, Delfino surpasses the vaults of hell in her attempts to offend the ears: mocking the horror of female circumcision that occurs in some African communities, she goes on to deride the complexities of African names. It is hard to stay in your seat and not wrestle the woman to the ground just to shut her up.

The only saving grace in the entire performance is the lack of any nudity. Thank God.