The Big Pitch: Ricky Gervais

Hi, I'm Robin Ince. You may remember me from such DVD extra bits as that one after Ricky Gervais' Politics (2004). Six years after we did a show together at Edinburgh's Cafe Rouge, Ricky's playing a sell out crowd at the Castle and I'm doing another year of small gigs in shit venues. I don't know how this happened. My PR must be really crap (Memo to self, change PR).

So anyway, Gervais is back in Edinburgh to show me up. Well if I'm honest, he doesn't give a shit about my pathetic career anymore. All he's worried about is out-doing Jimmy Carr. "Robin," he said, "Robin, how am I going to upstage that toffee-nosed ponce?"

So I just had to tell him: "Look Ricky, Jimmy's playing the largest venue in Edinburgh. Eight times. You couldn't possibly fill that place eight times over. Everyone thinks you're an aggravating toss-pot, especially after seeing that 'Gimpening' thing – it's enough to make you want to claw your eyes out. And they haven't even had to watch you corpse 15 times per scene before making a barely acceptable take in a poorly conceived production that manifests the fact that Stephen Merchant is the brains behind a distinctly lop-sided comic partnership." I was getting quite worked up.

"Ok, calm down. There must be some way of doing it though. Think, Robin. Think."

"Ermm. You could just play a slightly more impressive venue. One that lacks any comedic atmosphere but that's gimmicky enough to get you on the front cover of a professionally produced Edinburgh Festival publication. What about Murrayfield?"

"I think you've hit the nail on the head there, Specky. Not Murrayfield though. That's not rock star enough. I need somewhere that will allow me to wank over my youthful dreams of New Romantic glory."

"Yeah, you're right... There is one place that might do. It's going to be tough for you to fill it but if you whore yourself out to the TV generation, you might just manage it."

"Where? Where?"

"The Castle."

"That's it! You've got it. Carr will be eating my shit. And then, when we've sold half the tickets, we can put a massive banner up on Prince's Street saying how amazing I am. Brilliant. Now do a dance you freaky little nerd."