JoJo Bellini: Crash-Bang Cabaret!

In the space of two minutes, it is obvious that this is a karaoke production. JoJo Bellini blurts out ‘Let Me Entertain You’ as she opens the show. It sounds more like a plea than a promise.

Crash-Bang Cabaret is a holiday camp performance, pandering for easy laughs with cheap gags and smutty jokes. Bellini parades around her “slinky schlong” and castrates a cucumber – the latter is accompanied by ‘The First Cut is the Deepest’. Yes, it does get that superficial.

After mimicking her own near-fatal car crash in slow motion, it becomes clear that Bellini has defied the odds and is grabbing her second chance by the balls. She shoves two fingers up to the medical prognosis and launches herself into the show both barrels. But she mentions this new outlook on life in every segue between songs, songs that she herself describes as 'bad karaoke'. Even the pauses are awkward.

The overall structure of the show is not just lacking, it’s non-existent. The case in point is when Bellini walks out the room for a "quick change" while the audience mimes the saxophone solo in the song ‘Rio’. Except in this performance it’s ‘JoJo’ – not the most original of variations.

‘Dildos are Forever’ (can you guess the original song?) – this show however is not. Bellini’s inability to hit the high notes, or in fact, any notes, is merely icing on the cake for this disaster of a show. From sloppy construction to inadequate execution, even the cues are ill-prepared.