Dear Rachel: The Boy with Tape on His Face

Dear Rachel,

I am a silent comedian who taped my mouth shut a few years ago in the hope that it would catch on and others would follow my lead. Now, the ones who I really want to shut up haven’t, leaving me only crappy imitators and student comedy wannabes with tape over their gobs. How can I get the rest of the comedy industry to shut up?

Please help.

The Boy

 

--------------------------------

 

Dear The Boy,

Many thanks for getting in touch. Now, I am very intellegent so I’ve understood almost everything you’ve said BUT I don't get the bit about the tape? Why’s it there? How do people hear the jokes? It’s bonks mate. How do you eat? Do you use an intravenous drip like in Holby City? It does seem a bit extreme especially when the NHS are already being stretched (#topical). If it wasn’t for the fact you’re a comedian, I would presume you’re a member of Bupa. Or maybe it’s more simple, perhaps you peel it back to insert food? Surely that smarts a little? That said, I do remember covering my hand with PVA glue at school, waiting for it to dry and then peeling it off as if it were skin. I was very popular at school (apart from all the bullying ) and the peely skin thing was a favourite with the boys. That and the fact I was renowned for revealing my foof under the table on request. Looking back, they were good times. Halcyon days. Now, I don’t know if you have a girlfriend but if you do I can’t help thinking she drew the short straw. It’s not going to be much fun for her when she’s bouncing about on some gaffer tape. Don’t blame me if she leaves you for a bloke with a fully functioning gob. In short, lose the tape on the face stuff. Nobody’s going to give you a radio 4 commission with tape over your words door. Bless you. STUBBED OUT!