Battle at the ballot box

Vote Gráinne Maguire: for change that won’t freak you out!

We face tough choices. The stark legacy of the last festival is still with us. Breakfast shows that you meant to see but didn’t, broken promises to see friends' gigs, that play in German at the International Festival that you never made. Hungover, eating a kebab at three in the morning, dribbling.

I want to paint a picture of a different festival. I believe in better. I believe in change, I believe in flyerers that are acknowledged, shows that appear as advertised, venues that do not make you pass out from heat. Ventilation, ventilation, ventilation.

You know, I spoke to a guy called John the other day. He said: "I don’t exist but if I did I would tell you about the time I tried to get into 10 shows in one day, but they were all sold out." I tell you what I said to him. I said: "Imaginary John, there are literally thousands of shows. Stop being so bloody picky."

Thousands of shows, opportunities for all, one nation, one festival, vote for change not fear. Change for your future, a change of clothing as it does rain a lot, change for your collection bucket. Vote Gráinne Maguire: like yesterday, but today, with a bit of tomorrow thrown in.

Grainne's Fringe policies: 

1. The Back to Basics bill: Only parents of performers should be allowed to flyer for Fringe shows. This will ensure members of the public not only find out about a performer's background, but how much the festival means to them. It will also provide a valuable insight into why they turned to comedy for love and attention in the first place.

2. Reformed Transport Bill: Ski lifts between all venues. Solve the problem of getting between venues and end the tyranny of slow walkers ruining your festival experience. If tram experience is anything to go by, it should be up and running by the time hedgehogs have been accepted as our overlords.

3. The 'Privatise the Weather' Act: For far too long, lazy, state-funded weather has mired the Edinburgh experience. I want to introduce the dynamism, competition and can-do attitude of small British businesses into the Scottish weather. Why does it always rain on you? Another legacy of the last government.

4. The nationalisation of popular comedians: How would I get waiting lists down for sold out shows? All popular comedians should be nationalised and made to perform their shows for longer hours, at times that suit the strivers who make this festival the best in the world.

5. The Publicity Reform: Anonymous reviews can only be published if they are written in crayon to denote how seriously they should be taken. End the scandal of shows being nothing like their Fringe guide description by introducing an independent board to ensure that all productions featuring drama students, devised theatre and Americans are clearly marked. I would also launch a full enquiry into why Edinburgh smells of Shredded Wheat.

 

Vote Matt Forde: Making Britain better one barbecue at a time

Britain has become an anxious country, gripped by fear and inertia. In every city, even in Edinburgh, talent is being suppressed. The criminal waste of our potential is the single biggest failing of the 21^st century. We could be a bolder, more dynamic and crucially more satisfied country if only we would believe in our people.

There’s only one way to regain our sense of ambition and hope. And that is a massive house party. I want to start right here in Edinburgh and I’m talking all-out: burgers, pork chops, a massive bowl of punch with floating fruit in it, big fat sausages, some spicy spare ribs, chicken wings and, for those of you that like that sort of thing, halloumi. I’d put a barbecue outside every venue, providing all of the above for free. To pay for this I’d place a £50 tariff on every brag uttered at the festival, which would allow us to cover all costs and also cancel Britain’s deficit in one year.

Matt proposes to introduce... 

The Edinburgh (Bragging and Passive-Aggressive Behaviour) Bill: It’s fine to ask people how things are going, but if you’re only asking so that when they politely return the question you can say something like “Yeah not bad, keep selling out, though, which is really stressing me out — especially with all the five-star reviews”, then it’s off to the gulag. 

The Football Enjoyment Bill: A twin track approach that would lower ticket prices to £25 for all football games, cut players' wages and introduce the death penalty for diving. However, it would also deal with people who say “football could learn from rugby” by banishing them to a gulag with absolutely no right to appeal. 

The Oasis (Acceptance and Promotion) Bill: If you don’t like Oasis there’s definitely something wrong with you — and now it’s illegal. Don’t Look Back In Anger becomes the new national anthem and anyone heard saying “I preferred Blur” would be immediately banished to a gulag with absolutely no right to appeal. 

The Joking About The Scottish Diet Bill: Some people seem to forget that fried food is available across Britain and take great joy in a clichéd view that all you can eat in Edinburgh is grease. Yes, there’s plenty out there, but some of the most delicious healthy food I’ve eaten has been here in Edinburgh. Try the food in the gulag and if you joke about it, you’ll lose your hands. Bon appetit. 

The Steak Bake Bill: Enshrining in law the Steak Bake as our national dish. No excuses, if you’re vegetarian you’re just going to have to eat them. Free Steak Bakes for breakfast every Monday, delivering a key boost to our productivity and fitness.