Kids in tow: an expert guide

Parenting at the Fringe. Tears, shouting matches, watching yourself age before your very eyes, wondering where the hell your life is going, being awake at 5am, feeling paranoid that everyone else is doing a better job than you... yes, performing in Edinburgh can be rough. And having children isn't a picnic either. So how are you meant to combine these two famously gruelling activities for a whole month while it belts down with rain and people keep walking in front of the pram to hand you a flyer for an unforgettable open-air Czech-language version of Othello?

There are two ways of looking at it. You could argue that the mental instability, tiredness and unhealthy habits associated with early parenting make you perfectly adapted to life at the Fringe. Or you could say that if you're already near the end of your tether with one or more kids, a month in Edinburgh is likely to push you over the edge. Either way, a lot of us take it on. Here are a few tips that may help if you're considering this complex double-endurance task.

1. BOOK TICKETS EARLY FOR KIDS' SHOWS. The Fringe is absolutely chockfull of children's shows: that's the good news. The bad news is that every other parent up there is slavering for a way to kill the hours, and many of them probably began organising their lamented ticket-planner in around March 2012. Don't turn up at a show, having hyped your kids up by telling them there's going to be a giant rabbit made of candyfloss, only to find it's sold out: your life will not be worth living for the rest of the day. Get on the website in advance. This advice applies across the Fringe generally, but the consequences of missing out when you're dragging expectant children along are much direr.

2. IF YOU DON'T HAVE A RAIN-COVER FOR YOUR BUGGY, YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF AT SOME POINT IN AUGUST. Enough said.

3. THE PLEASANCE COURTYARD WILL SAVE YOU. If it's anything like the past couple of summers, the Courtyard has a great kids' area with stuff like a toy kitchen and musical instruments they can bash away at, and - crucially - other kids they can knock about with. It's within striking distance of the bar, allowing you to sneak off and knock back a desperately-needed gin for courage and then return with an even-money chance that they won't have throttled themselves with a bloody tambourine or something.

4. SOLIDARITY. Actually, that leads us on to a principle which applies here as much as it does in any aspect of parenting: find other people in the same situation, and cling to them. A potentially exhausting romp in an adventure playground, or a dead-eyed coffee on the Meadows, becomes a lot more palatable if you team up with someone else whose kids are also hitting each other and running into the path of rickshaws.

5. HIRE STUFF. There are companies in Edinburgh which will rent you a cot, toys, slings, pretty much everything you need kid-wise for the duration of the month, saving you the misery of carting 28 separate pieces of equipment separately on the train. But if you're reading this in Fest, you are probably already in Edinburgh, so you probably already have done that. Ah well.

6. LOOK FOR SOMETHING SOFT. Two years ago some lunatics brought a sort of giant bouncy castle, with odd coloured lighting, to George Square Gardens and passed it off as an art installation. If you put a kid in it, they were mesmerised for an hour or more at a time. This specific thing is probably not around this year, but there's nearly always some sort of funfair-style attraction among the now very numerous gardens and outdoor venues. Head for the foam.

7. DON'T ALLOW YOUR KID TO DANCE SO VIGOROUSLY TO A BUSKER OUTSIDE SAINSBURY'S ON THE MEADOWS THAT HE FALLS AWKWARDLY AND FRACTURES HIS FEMUR, SPENDING SEVERAL NIGHTS IN THE EDINBURGH SICK KIDS HOSPITAL (EXCELLENT THOUGH IT IS) AND SEVERAL MORE WEEKS IN A PHENOMENALLY HEAVY PLASTER CAST THAT COVERS ALMOST THE WHOLE OF HIS BODY AND NECESSITATES YOU CARRYING HIM EVERYWHERE AT A TERRIBLE PHYSICAL TOLL. I would have loved someone to tell me that two years ago. 

See Mark Watson in ‘Flaws' at the Pleasance Courtyard during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from 30th July – 24th August. For tickets visit www.pleasance.co.uk. His novel, 'Hotel Alpha’, published by Picador is released on 31 July 2014